In The Back Pages Of The Daily Prophet
by VoxMaille
Summary: *reuploaded* Think the wizarding world has classifieds? Short and pointless. PG for one naughty word. At least I think there was a naughty word in there someplace.


In the Back Pages of the Daily Prophet 

by VoxM

A/N: Just a foolish idea I had to get out of my system. It has no bearing on anything, past, present or future. And I want that coffee pot they're selling, darn it. I want it _yesterday_.

Disclaimer: Still emphatically **JKR's** and not mine. Billywig addiction belongs to **Moey** at the **SugarQuill** (www.sugarquill.com). Again, I cannot praise everyone there enough. And the Bloodhound Gang owns one line of this, too.

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PERSONALS 

ARE YOU MS. RIGHT? Does your idea of a good time involve murder, mayhem and terrorizing Muggles? If this sounds like you, give us a ring. I'm the root of all that's evil, yeah, but you can call me Cookie. Please respond to LonelyHeartsTom at Box 64823.

SHORT, DARK-HAIRED, athletic SWM looking for a special someone to share walks in Forbidden Forest. Must have sense of humour about late-night jaunts and mortal peril. Also must like facial scars. All enquiries to TheBoyWhoLived at Box 42779. Please send nude pictures.   

SWF SEEKS a man who is not threatened by: the fact that her best friends are guys, that she is incredibly intelligent and outspoken (bossy), or that her best friends will maim all respondents to this ad. Prefer Bulgarians. Ugly ones. Replies and Howlers to ScarletWoman at Box 74844.

DASHING, tall, flame-haired gentleman seeks female companion for evening excursions and general heroism. Veela welcome. Enquiries to Box 24538     

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HELP WANTED 

NEED A FEW EXTRA GALLEONS? Simple wand work out of your own home. No experience necessary. Replies to Box 33564  

WANTED: New Best friend. Must be unlikely to take out personal ads in my name. Very funny, Weasley. Your mother reads this, you know. Please respond to RonIsAGit at Box 32890 

SIDEKICK JOB opening. Are you evil but just can't take the big step to mastermind? This position may be right for you. Good insurance—and our legal team is top-notch! We're not just _saying_ they're absolute wizards! No Animagi need apply. Send applications to YKNWH at Box 48521

EXPERIENCED TEACHER NEEDED. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is looking for a teacher of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Full coverage, medicraft benefits. Help bring a new generation of magic to life. Please owl resumes to Hogwarts School, c/o M. McGonagall.  

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EMPLOYMENT WANTED 

DO YOU NEED someone to watch your little witch or wizard while you work? My home is a stimulating learning environment for all children. Reasonable rates, references available. Certified in Mediwizard First Aid and CPR (Complicated Potion Rescues). Contact A. Figg at Box 35433   

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LOST AND FOUND 

FOUND: One large Blast-Ended Skrewt. Reward offered to owner if they come and pick it up immediately. Don't bother responding—just Apparate directly to Hogsmeade, 135 Frison Lane. 

LOST: Owl, grey. Dark ear tufts. Answers to name of Shrek. Last seen outside of Hogsmeade, delivering copy of Witch Weekly.

LOST: A very dear pet. Sends off little flames in friendly greeting. Please return her. I miss Snuggles very much. Replies to Hagrid at Box 20538

FOUND: Wand—yew, 10". Possibly unicorn hair core. If you suspect it may be yours, please contact Box 95867 with description of design on handle.  

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FOR SALE 

BROOM: Nimbus 2000. Excellent condition, only used one season. Asking 15 Galleons. Contact Box 41235

ENCHANTED DESK. Only 1 Galleon, 4 sickles. Slightly battered, but still in working condition. Will organise all office supplies automatically. Also, Alwayz-On Coffee-Pot, asking 2 Galleons. Coffee ready before you know you need it. Box 89201 

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Announcements 

BILLYWIGS ANONYMOUS meets the first and third Tuesdays of each month in the basement of the Three Broomsticks. Free, confidential and supportive environment. Overcome your addiction today. Family and friends welcome as well. Contact Rosmerta at Box 83471

I SWEAR I'LL kill you, you redheaded prat. Harry didn't think it was funny either. Respond to YouAreInSOMuchTrouble at Box 57768

Tired of being called a "Squib?" Kwikspell has the answer. For a small fee we'll send you our correspondence magic course. Get your O.W.L.s the easy and fun way from home. Call today for a complete catalogue of our course offerings! Box 32876

LOOKING FOR LAUGHS? We've got your answer right here. Pranks, joke wands, enchanted candies, we have it all and at a reasonable price. For details, contact Frank or Gerry at Box 55891

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A/N: So Gred and Forge aren't the subtlest at disguising their names. I figure they've used up their creativity on the actual pranks. *grin* Wish I could come up with more fun ads, but that's why I'm not a brilliant (read: published and beloved) author. 


End file.
